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Thank You Poppa Rose

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“TheAxlRoseDisaster” youtube uploader suffering from exhaustion following Golden God Awards

Following lengthy investigations, DTJN editor Mike Hunt can confirm tonight that the user responsible for “The Axl Rose Disaster” series on youtube is suffering from exhaustion following Guns N’ Roses recent appearance at The Golden God Awards.

The user, who asked to remain anonymous and will henceforth be referred to as Buster Cherry, spoke candidly to Mike Hunt about the now infamous series of uploads before finally discussing his overwhelming stress following The Golden God Awards:

“It all goes back to Guns N Roses appearance at Rock in Rio in 2011, followed by The Bridge School Benefit in 2012. I couldn’t get over how awful the performances were in comparison to the guys who actually made Guns N’ Roses but who cannot actually call themselves Guns N’ Roses. I suppose the yellow raincoat that Axl wore in Rio should have alerted me to the clusterfuck that was about to unfold, but I think I got distracted by some asshat emo manchild trying to flog cheap tat in between murdering those classic guitar solos. Then when it came to November Rain I pretty much just lost my shit. I just knew that I had to alert the world to this tragicomedy of errors”

 

“It pretty much blew up from that point onwards, much like Axl’s waistline”  Cherry remarked.

 

Sensing the obvious discomfort of Buster Cherry, Mike Hunt then changed the subject to that of The Bridge School Benefit. Which was clearly a mistake on his behalf.

“IT WAS WORSE THAN AIDS….” screamed a distraught Buster Cherry

“AND HITLER. OH GAWD WHYYYYYY!!!!”

Here at DTJN, we will let you, the discerning reader, decide for yourselves. We do however include an advisory that the content is NOT SUITABLE FOR MINORS.

 

After Buster Cherry composed himself somewhat, our intrepid editor Mike Hunt changed the subject to the Golden God Awards and asked Cherry as to why he has yet to upload The Axl Rose Disaster parts III through to X (that is 10 to our non-Roman readers)

“There…there is just too much content…it was like a tidal wave of shit coming through my laptop screen” sobbed Cherry

“I mean, did you see what DJ Ashba did to Sweet Child O’ Mine? It was like he was trying to murder that sweet child with a broken guitar string!”

Of course, here at DTJN we adhere to strict journalistic standards, no matter how much we think the performance sucked ass. So here is the clip in question and our now mandatory advisory when it comes to DJ Ashba  – NOT SUITABLE FOR THOSE WITH TASTE

Buster Cherry however has hatched a plan as to how he can upload all of The Golden God edition of the Axl Rose Disaster series.

“I’ve outsourced the work to India. I’ve promised them all some Ashbaswag in return. I have a team of 20 working 18 hours a day to get the content up. Ashbaswag is hugely popular there because they think it is the clothing line of the Amul Girl.”

Unfortunately, here at DTJN, we can’t help but think that there is a link between Appetite for Dish-truction and the ongoing trainwreck that is Guns N’ Roses.

Matt Sorum launches canned dolphin product; changes name to John West.

Former Guns N Roses drummer Matt Sorum launched a new business venture today – canned dolphin meat. The move comes after a long campaign to save the dolphins by Sorum on twitter, which apparently was actually motivated by his desire to harvest the animals and bring their tender meaty goodness to the masses.

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In a clever move to make his product more child friendly, Sorum has also revealed that each purchase of his canned dolphin meat will also come with a kids plush toy – naturally it being a dolphin.

Image ‘I just love the goofy bastards’ – explained Sorum. ‘Delicious with lemon juice’

Sorum also revealed to editor Mike Hunt that he has changed his name by deed poll to John West, and that all of his dolphin products will carry the John West name.

‘All our products carry the John West name and are dolphin friendly. That’s how we catch them, we make friends with them before we bludgeon them to death in a manner that is safe to all our hunters.’ explained West.

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Here at DTJN we were lucky enough to get a taste of John West’s dolphin before it hits the shelves and we have to say it is so delicious it has become something of a bad obsession. In fact it was so fine it almost left us in a coma. 

 

 

  

Chinese Democracy fan confident he’ll lose virginity this year

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Belfast, Northern Ireland – Ashley Crump, 19, a longtime employee at My Mom’s Basement comic book store, has today revealed to editor Mike Hunt that he has high hopes of losing his virginity this year.

“Yeth, ith twue” lisped the spotty teen

“I pwomithed my Mom I’d twy and get a giwfwiend thith yeaw. I have my eye on thith giw that comes in hewe all the time.’

Crump hasn’t had it easy in the past. Growing up with a chronic lisp left him feeling insecure and he claims that he was bullied constantly by the normal well adjusted kids that he refers to derogatorily as “Jockth”

DTJN also understands that he knew a woman once but she died soon afterwards. 

“Yeth, ith twue. I met hew at the buth thop.”

Thankfully things are looking up for the kid who always got passed over for the football team. Earlier this year he got a promotion, not at the comic book store but in fact with an online venture that Crump is very secretive about.

“I can’t thpeak about it, evewyone would laugh.”

Regardless, the development has proven to be a major boost for his ego.

Editor Mike Hunt has promised to help Crump in any way possible.

“I told the kid to play This I Love by Guns N’ Roses every time that girl walks into the comic book store. Guaranteed to be a winner. He’ll be hittin’ that booty in no time at all.”

DTJN promises to keep you updated on Crump’s ongoing struggle to overcome his virginity. 

 

 

 

   

Breaking: MSL visits New York to do Christmas shopping

MSL

 

More to follow…

 

Reeling In The Years: DTJN Intern Broskirose

Little known fact: Mygnr’s newest media team member – Broskirose – started off his career here at Double Talkin’ Jive News. We don’t remember much about his time here to be honest, except that he used to ask us a lot if he looked like Robert Finch. We didn’t have a clue who that was at the time, our favourite theory in the office was that he  was  the other guy in Wham! with George Michael. Needless to say we told him that he was the guys double.  After leaving the hallowed halls of DTJN, Broskirose  worked with TheGNRforum before landing his current gig at Mygnr.  We wish him the best of luck in his current job, and if all else fails there is always the Wham! tribute circuit.

 

Exclusive: Jermo lashes out at “Playa’ Haters”

The Guns N’ Roses community is reeling today with the news that forum owner Jermo, the brains behind HereTodayGoneToHell.com, has labelled the online fanbase “a bunch of bitch boi playa’ haters” after several fans speculated about his new ladyfriend.

Mack Daddy Jermo and Female Companion

Mack Daddy Jermo and Female Companion

 

Speaking exclusively to DTJN editor Mike Hunt, the nordic sex god gave little away about his new squeeze:

“A playa’ never shows his cards. All those bitch boi’s and ho defenders over at Mygnr ought to get a life, or better still get laid.”

When asked if he would be updating his relationship status on Facebook, the Mack Daddy of the GNR world was equally dismissive:

“Facebook is a playa’s worst enemy. If you got game then the only social media website worth using is Tinder. You can reel them in like fish.”

Unhappy with Jermo’s dodging of the issue at hand, Mike Hunt pressed him further about his approach to relationships, enquiring as to the secret of his apparent success with the ladies.

“I’m not saying that this is what I do but there is a lot to be learned from The Game by Neil Strauss. I particular like “negging”, it comes naturally to an alpha male red pill advocate like myself. Hypothetically speaking, if I see an 8, actually make it a 9, I approach her and say something like – “That Slash t-shirt is nice but it is a bit tight on the hips.” That sends their hamster brain into overdrive, because they immediately think that you are pointing out that they have a fat ass. Then their inner hamster desperately tries to get some sort of validation from you, the alpha in the room. You pretty much own them at that point”

When asked if that is the approach he took with his new ladyfriend, Jermo was quick to dismiss the rumours.

“I’m a natural alpha, I don’t need pick up guides. I never said she was my girlfriend anyway but you know, all I’d have to do is stand beside her, maybe at a bus stop and she’d pretty much fall at my feet.”

Though Jermo continued to be evasive in his interview, Mike Hunt later caught up with his associate, Del James, who had this to say about the lothario:

“Jermo? A pick-up artist? I don’t think so…kid has a forehead like a drive-in movie theatre, but he’s a good ship. So we don’t bust his chops too much.”

It seems like this is one mystery that DTJN will never quite get to the bottom of.