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Monthly Archives: February 2014

Matt Sorum launches canned dolphin product; changes name to John West.

Former Guns N Roses drummer Matt Sorum launched a new business venture today – canned dolphin meat. The move comes after a long campaign to save the dolphins by Sorum on twitter, which apparently was actually motivated by his desire to harvest the animals and bring their tender meaty goodness to the masses.

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In a clever move to make his product more child friendly, Sorum has also revealed that each purchase of his canned dolphin meat will also come with a kids plush toy – naturally it being a dolphin.

Image ‘I just love the goofy bastards’ – explained Sorum. ‘Delicious with lemon juice’

Sorum also revealed to editor Mike Hunt that he has changed his name by deed poll to John West, and that all of his dolphin products will carry the John West name.

‘All our products carry the John West name and are dolphin friendly. That’s how we catch them, we make friends with them before we bludgeon them to death in a manner that is safe to all our hunters.’ explained West.

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Here at DTJN we were lucky enough to get a taste of John West’s dolphin before it hits the shelves and we have to say it is so delicious it has become something of a bad obsession. In fact it was so fine it almost left us in a coma. 

 

 

  

Chinese Democracy fan confident he’ll lose virginity this year

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Belfast, Northern Ireland – Ashley Crump, 19, a longtime employee at My Mom’s Basement comic book store, has today revealed to editor Mike Hunt that he has high hopes of losing his virginity this year.

“Yeth, ith twue” lisped the spotty teen

“I pwomithed my Mom I’d twy and get a giwfwiend thith yeaw. I have my eye on thith giw that comes in hewe all the time.’

Crump hasn’t had it easy in the past. Growing up with a chronic lisp left him feeling insecure and he claims that he was bullied constantly by the normal well adjusted kids that he refers to derogatorily as “Jockth”

DTJN also understands that he knew a woman once but she died soon afterwards. 

“Yeth, ith twue. I met hew at the buth thop.”

Thankfully things are looking up for the kid who always got passed over for the football team. Earlier this year he got a promotion, not at the comic book store but in fact with an online venture that Crump is very secretive about.

“I can’t thpeak about it, evewyone would laugh.”

Regardless, the development has proven to be a major boost for his ego.

Editor Mike Hunt has promised to help Crump in any way possible.

“I told the kid to play This I Love by Guns N’ Roses every time that girl walks into the comic book store. Guaranteed to be a winner. He’ll be hittin’ that booty in no time at all.”

DTJN promises to keep you updated on Crump’s ongoing struggle to overcome his virginity.