BREAKING LIVE: DTJN editor Mike Hunt is at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center tonight where surgeons are currently trying to remove former Guns N’ Roses guitarist Slash from the posterior of Guns N’ Roses frontman Axl Rose.
“He’s in my ass, that’s where he is!” shouted an agitated Rose as he was rushed into Cedars-Sinai earlier tonight, having earlier complained of chronic bowel pain following a 12 course lamb banquet at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel.
DTJN has managed to speak to a trauma nurse at the hospital, who had the following statement to make to gathered media outlets:
“Mr. Rose presented to the hospital earlier complaining of acute pain in his abdominal region. Though initially doctors suspected a succulent leg of lamb was blocking his intestine, X-Rays have revealed that the blockage is actually legendary guitarist Slash, who appears to be playing a double-necked guitar. This is not the first time that Mr. Rose has suffered from this troublesome condition, but doctors believe that surgery to remove the problem is now necessary. We will of course, keep you all updated as to Mr. Rose’s condition. Thank you for your patience.”
According to eyewitnesses at the scene, though Mr. Rose was clearly in a lot of pain, he eventually changed into his lucky dressing gown and managed to pose for photos with members of the public.
More to follow!
What started out as just another day of eager anticipation for area man Richard Cranium quickly turned to one of mental anguish and personal tragedy in a story that has shocked the entire online Guns N’ Roses community this week.
The dramatic events unfolded yesterday evening when DTJN editor Mike Hunt took to the streets to assuage current public opinion on the merits of Chinese Democracy, not as a record, but as a useful tool. Hunt, with his hard hitting direct style, aggressively confronted shoppers looking for early Thanksgiving bargains with thought provoking questions such as – “Do you think there exists a better door stopper in the known universe compared to a copy of Chinese Democracy?” and “Is the Chinese Democracy vinyl sleeve better for snorting lines of splenda or would you rather continue with your choice of a doing lines off a high class hookers peachy bottom?”
However events took a dramatic turn when Hunt posed such questions to area man Richard Cranium who insisted that Hunt had incorrect information:
“How can you ask these questions when Chinese Democracy hasn’t even been released yet?” enquired the bemused bargain hunter.
“I’ve been waiting for this record ever since The Spaghetti Incident. The anticipation is killing me but I believe it will be worth the wait. I hear it is going to be a triple album that sounds like Physical Graffiti crossed with Dark Side of the Moon and mixed by Moby on an LSD trip. There is this one track This I Love, which is going to be epic like November Rain only with more epic-like epicness”
When DTJN editor Mike Hunt pointed out that Chinese Democracy had been released 5 years ago and had failed to impress anyone but 17 year old virgins, Cranium recoiled in horror. Pressing further, Hunt revealed that This I Love sounded like Meatloaf on quaaludes, prompting the following reaction from Cranium:
“Don’t you speak like that…you’re a liar and a madman!”
Unfortunately, Cranium knew him to be speaking the truth and the trauma of the incident affected him badly. He was later found wandering naked on a motorway with an ironing board where he attempted to iron the creases out of his pants in the face of oncoming traffic.
Former Gilmore Girls actor and part time singer, Sebastian Bach, has been able to confirm to DTJN that he is definitely still a dude, dude. The man best known for luring Axl Rose out of a 14 year sugar coma is a popular figure in the Guns N’ Roses community, having toured extensively with the band in recent years, providing Splenda catering backstage as well as looking after Rose’s collection of dancing midgets.
Talking to DTJN, Bach recounted one of the more memorable incidents from his time on the road with Axl and friends:
“Duuude, I saved the dudes life dude! Some dude with a purple double ended dildo attacked Axl at one of the venues we were playing and I stepped in and took one for Axl dude. One minute I was enjoying some Splenda and the next I have a purple double ended dildo being waved in my face duuude! Thankfully I handled it until the cops arrived and Axl was able to go onstage and rock duuude!”
On more recent tours however, Bach has been noticeable absent from the GNR family entourage, leading many to question if he was still a dude, dude. Thankfully here at DTJN we have been finally been able to get Bach to set the record straight:
“Duuude, I’m definitely still a dude, dude. I’m like, 110% legit dude, dude.”
We put one final question to Sebastian and asked him if he was a ladies dude, dude or more of a dudes dude, dude:
“Duuude, I’ve always been a dudes, dude, dude. That will never change, me and my dudes are united in our dudeness, dude.”
Here at DTJN we feel there was never any need to doubt if Bach was still a dude, dude or for that matter, even a dudes dude, dude.
Exciting news this morning for Star Wars and Guns N’ Roses fans alike as J.J. Abrams confirms the worst kept secret in Hollywood – Axl Rose has been cast in the upcoming Star Wars Episode 7, playing the challenging role of the forest moon of Endor.
Earlier this morning, DTJN sat down for a one to one chat with director J.J. Abrams, who explained the rationale behind his casting of the volatile Guns N’ Roses frontman.
“I was determined to have the forest moon of Endor feature prominently in the new movie but I just couldn’t quite figure out who could bring the required gravitas to the role,” revealed J.J.
“I was under intense pressure so I took a night off to see Guns N’ Roses on their Up Close and Personal Tour. The minute Axl Rose took to the stage I knew I had found my forest moon of Endor. He has the same beautiful wildness that characterises Endor. More importantly, he has immense presence, he just filled the entire ballroom.”
DTJN can reveal however that the casting of Rose also solved another casting problem for Abrams.
“Obviously Endor is the home planet of the Ewoks, so they are part of the package. Axl was really helpful there and we struck a deal so that his entire Brazilian entourage could play the Ewoks. Those furry bastards are going to be a revenue goldmine next Christmas. Every kid on the planet will want their very own
Brazilian Ewok from Santa.”
Reaction to the news has been generally positive on Guns N’ Roses and Star Wars fan forums alike. One such fan from MYGNR, who posts under the moniker of Brainsaber spoke excitedly to DTJN:
“This is like every childhood dream come true! My two passions united at last. I’ve already asked Santa for the entire
Brazilian Ewok entourage collection as well as a life size forest moon of Endor cast replica. It is actually cast directly from Axl Rose’s ass. I’ll put it on my beside locker.”
May the farce be with you!
DTJN can exclusively reveal this shocking photo from tonights incident in Monticello, Indiana, where Guns N’ Roses guitarist DJ Ashba® was refused entry to a Guns N’ Roses tribute gig.
Speaking to a representative of the guitarist, DTJN ascertained that the guitarist is determined to turn his frown upside down.
“DJ was pretty shaken by the aggressive attitude of the doormen but his inner salesman instantly spotted an opportunity to profit from the incident. Tomorrow he is going to contact Gibson Guitars and ask them to build a custom shop replica of his destroyed guitar. It won’t actually be a working guitar, they will smash it up just like the original so every Ashba fan can own a piece of rock n’ roll history.”
Reports are filtering in tonight to DTJN that current Guns N’ Roses guitarist DJ Ashba® has been refused entry to see a GNR tribute band at a bar in his hometown of Monticello, Indiana. According to eyewitnesses at the scene, Ashba® was seen approaching the venue, guitar in hand, before being stopped by doormen who blocked his entry to the bar.
According to eyewitness, Rakshit Purohit, a self-confessed 33 year old music buff, the situation quickly deteriorated into an argument between venue security and the guitarist.
“I heard the doorman say that he couldn’t enter the venue as his Slash outfit would upset the band. Apparently the lead singer is a devout Axl Rose fan and wants to recreate an authentic GNR experience for the audience. As we all know, Slash and his supporters are not high up on the guest list these days. This fan was obviously doing his best to provoke a negative vibe that wasn’t welcome by the tribute band or the venue”
When asked as to DJ Ashba’s® reaction to the incident, Rakshit told DTJN that he only heard the tail end of what the guitarist was shouting as he walked away from the scene.
“He was clearly upset and humiliated, and even intimidated by the heavy handed security. I heard him shouting – “I’ll report you hooray for tolerances to hashtag bullyville. Hashtag conquer the world!”
“I have no idea what he meant by that, but english is not my first language so maybe I just misheard him.”
When pressed as to how the gig itself went, Rakshit had the following to say:
“I waited for three hours for them to come on but they never appeared and the gig was cancelled. Apparently the lead singer refused to go onstage after the venues lamb chop dinner proved to be substandard, All in all it was an authentic GNR experience as promised. Well worth the money. And I did get to see Slash, I mean, DJ Ashba®.”